Just a little post to write how I feel up to this point, especially with the O'level starting in a few days time - Science practical not withstanding - , I can't even find an appropriate title for this post..
I am not prepared. I am confused. I am worried. I am scared. I have a certain feeling of needing to repeat my O'level. It is not too late. Yet. However, with the little time I have, I won't be able to improve enough to be able to enter my desired course. Sure I have studied, everyday in fact. But still, my confidence is slowly seeping out of my hands. I still have many things left half done, but can't find the motivation to continue.
Not just O'levels, people around me have change so much this past 10 months. Including me. Maybe I am getting paranoid, but I feel that I am missing something. Can't tell what, but I am too scared to ask.
I hate to write this out, but I feel so stressed out. My family ain't helping either. Right now, they are selling our house just for their convenience. Me? They just tell me to put up with whatever room they are going to push me to - It is not like their going to live with me anyways. Besides that, they are even asking me what good I am to them. Clearly I am a burden, but still, I am still a student. What can I do right now?
I try to appear cheerful when I head out, not like people will care if I seemed upset, but I don't want to spoil the mood. People around me are ridiculing me too. I am aware of that. But I don't hate anyone. If I am being disliked upon by others or ignored, it is because of me right? Maybe I done something wrong.. I don't really know.
I have been studying these past few weeks, whenever I feel calm and relaxed. The moment I am going to freak out, I on my computer and play some games to distract myself. To tell the truth, I've been unable to sleep. Constantly tossing around, only to get up and watch some animes.
In 2 days time, the O'level English paper will be due. I am prepared for that, the rest? I don't know and I can't really say.
I hope my father will talk to me properly again, or at least acknowledge me as his son. That is the least he should do since he is constantly demanding me to treat him like my father. As for my mother, I am just going to be careful around her and watch my actions. Hope she'll stay the same.
I want the O'levels to end as soon as possible. I need to get a job too. Right now, I am depending on raminder's father to hand me a part time job, I hope things goes as plan as I don't quite know who to turn to for a job that pays at least $40 a day.
My my, I am writing more than expected! Thank god not much ( if at all ) people read this! Just need somewhere to dump this upon. I am really tired now. Of everything.
As for now, I will continue putting a cheerful face, keep things inside and maybe "guai lan" a person or two. My plans for the future seems rather bleak for now. Maybe It'll brighten up soon.
Yeah, that will be nice wouldn't it?
Just a little scribble here: I still remember the first time I said: " I can wait forever." Am I being foolish? Maybe I should just give up?
Nah, an oath is an oath. I may probably end up looking like a fool, but whatever. It is not like I am not treated as one right now.
And, if nothing happens, its fine. Ain't expecting anything from this point on anyway right.
Damn, I want to go poly asap..
